This repost contains only minor changes — no need to re-read

This post is written from frustration and anger toward the prevalence of casual, verbal violence toward women, in the everyday speech of men. It’s based also on my belief that men talking about violence toward women normalizes such things. In the light of figures showing that more than one woman a fortnight has died in intimate partner (or “domestic”) violence, I am shocked that men can go on using this as a metaphor and not make the connection with its being carried out.

I found it shocking as well that this was happening in my exercise group. (I’ve changed the names.) This group is made up of prostate cancer patients. Each of us has a program comprising cardio and resistance exercises and balance training. Among the cardio exercises available is boxing; one patient can box with the exercise physiologist for about five minutes. (The EPs are mostly female, as was the case this time.) When requesting some boxing, Stanley said (of Mike), “Mike said he’s ready to beat the shit out of you”. The EP gently reproached Stanley for his language, in the context of domestic violence/intimate partner violence . (The boxing was carried out without incident.)

After class, most of us (including Mike and Stanley) went to lunch. Waiting for our toasties, Mike referred to a couple of female film characters, one being Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and another whose name I didn’t catch. Mike was riffing a bit on what he regards as these characters’ ability to avoid answering questions being put to them, thus negating the questioner while remaining icily pleasant. He remarked “You feel like beating the crap out of them”. At a break in the conversation I asked him whether he felt that women who behaved like Nurse Ratched deserved physical violence. He said (words to this effect) “No, you just feel like doing it”.

I was pretty surprised, to put it mildly, that he could express himself in this way after the pre-boxing incident. Both he and Stanley are married and fathers of daughters; the latter particularly dotes on his grand-daughter. Neither of these men, in other words, is likely to carry out violence against their spouses. But (and it’s a big but) I believe that the prevalence of expressions like Mike’s and Stanley’s contribute to a culture in which violence against women by men is seen as acceptable; something all men secretly feel like resorting to at times: unacceptable, for sure, but understandable.

Of course this is a belief on my part, not something I can prove. But we have seen recently a lot of analysis of Donald Trump’s inflammatory rhetoric, and concerns that this is providing justification to his supporters to act violently, should he not be re-elected. (An interesting Washington Post article explores these concerns on the part of Democrats and Republicans.) If Trump is adding to the threat of civic violence by his statements, why shouldn’t this work in the personal sphere? Are men who say things like “You feel like beating the crap out of them” (referring to women) blurring the line between fantasy and reality?

I believe there’s enough of a risk of this happening for men to refrain from expressing themselves in this way. I believe further it’s important to challenge and call out men who talk about acting violently toward women, regardless of whether they are our relatives, friends, or exercise buddies.